Sunday, January 30, 2011

people of aces

some pics from the other night.

big lou, pool shark and greaser extraordinaire.
(i wrestle him a lot, and lose a lot)

some loser and biker rob

bartender zach and bartender wife danida


the queen, ma.

some douche

these are some of the regulars at aces (my local stomping ground). and they are some of the finest people you will ever meet.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

one of the best lines in all of movie-dom

and liam neeson being a total bad ass.

oh and the answer to the trivia question:
perfect strangers
full house
mr. belvedere
just the ten of us

Friday, January 28, 2011

a little trivia for friday afternoon

1. name the 4 shows from the original TGiF line-up starting in the 1988 tv season.

"In memory of those who made the ultimate sacrifice so others could reach for the stars"

not a terrible choice

so they offered the role of roland deschain (the last gunslinger from the dark tower series) to this guy:

again, not a terrible choice, but mortensen or bale would have been better.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

casa veija

its a colombian joint near buford highway. we went here for our monthly youth program staff meeting. (one of the first things i implemented when i got to this job). cause ya can't beat buford hwy food once a month on the company dollar.

this place was awesome. huge servings. huge. and delicious. and cheap.
i got the bandeja peisa. a super traditional dish, and i've been told that the first word is not a curse word down in colombia.

here's my plate:
thats steak, sausage, fried pork skin, rice w/ poached egg and salsa, beans, polenta, fried plantains, and a slice of avacado...and i had a mango shake to wash it all down.

stay tuned for my stirring commentary on "bring it on: the musical"

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

that's some fast beer

yes, i know this is old news.
no, i do not care.

fast beer is always relevant.
and besides, it's a world record.
behold, the future, bottom-up filling!

i love dogs....i need one

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

eh, not much has been happening

in the ktl household. BUT this wednesday, a friend got everyone tickets too....


i will have to admit that these movies are a guilty pleasure of mine. which one you ask...ALL of them. every now and again tbs or tnt will show a "bring-it-on-athon" and those are some lazy entertaining saturdays.

Bring It On - 4/5 - the original and will always have a place in my heart. spirit fingers!

Bring It On Again - 2/5 - the worst one, mainly cause they go to college. have we learned nothing from "saved by the bell"?

Bring it On: All or Nothing - 5/5 - the best of the franchise, and also has hayden panettiere.

Bring It On: In It to Win It - 3/5 - a kinda sorta crappy modern take on westside story.

Bring It On: Fight to the Finish - 3.5/5 - this one shows that they will probably make another one.

but don't get me wrong, even a bad "bring it on" movie, is still pretty good. check em out sometime, you'll be surprised how much you like them. so you can see where my excitement for "bring it on: the musical" comes from.

here's more info:

i can smell your jealousy through the computer

Sunday, January 23, 2011

this is how well trained i want my dog to be

also, this was ganked from if you don't read this site, don't. it will suck all of your time and leave you totally unproductive.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

sooo this must be why...

...when tractor trailers jack knife on the freeway, it's bad.

and if those people in the car in front of the camera did not poop their pants, they are braver than i.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Free Max Brooks (World War Z) story...get your read on!

click this for awesome to happen

if you don't know max brooks, you're never gonna make it through zombie-pocalypse. he wrote these two books:

he knows his stuff, so read that short story in the link. lata...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

i've ceased to be amazed how much i post about food

i should probably put things up other than food, but really i'm not that interesting. so for the wiler's bday we went out to ted's. it's ted turner's restaurant chain and their claim to fame are their bison burgers.
which we both tried.
which i didn't like.
bison is just too lean to make into a burger, maybe like a stew or something.
just not a lot of flavor in it.
i'm glad i tried it, but won't be having it again.

here was mine
the america's cup burger: ground buffalo, ameican cheese, smokey bacon, grilled onions and mushrooms.

the wiler's:
i'm not totally sure what she got, but from the looks of it, maybe a mushroom and swiss with grilled onion?

oh and this weekend the roomies are going to a very special brunch! so stay tuned!
(and yes, i'll try to post more things not related to food)

some stuff i missed...

breakfast pizza that i made. something that i always wanted to try, and i think it turned out pretty damn well for my first try.

me, slaving away in the kitchen

pizza dough, white gravy for sauce, scrambled eggs, spicy sausage, bacon, cheese

pizza dough, white gravy for sauce, scrambled eggs, maple sausage, bacon, yellow/red peppers, onions, cheese

so the next day after "blood on the ice" incident. we went with a few friends to a golf course with some amazing hills. and this time instead of cookie sheet trays, we had tractor trailer tire inner tubes. there were a ton of people out using all sorts of devices: sleds, boogie boards, surf boards, snowboards, this weird tricycle sledding thingy. check out the pics:

view from the top of the hill, probably about 200 yds to the bottom.

view from the bottom

cvd on his way down.

i think that's all i missed. hope yall had a good mlk weekend!

Friday, January 14, 2011

MEAT STORM on my birfday.

my birfday was on wednesday (yes, you missed it), and the wiler treated me to a lunch at fogo de chao. it's one of those brazilian steakhouses. and they make it rain meat. delcious delicious red meat. it looked a lot like this:

ive been a few times, and it never ceases to amaze. probably about 10 different meats during lunch. though why you'd get anything other than the filet and bottom sirloin is beyond me. mmmmmmm bottom sirloin.

anyway here's the link to the website. peruse and be jealous:


and here's what i got for my bday from the roomies!

from the wiler:
breadmaker (something i've been whining about for quite some time)

from dan:
a flag stick for the eighteenth hole (our front yard) of our frisbee golf course

and glow in the dark frisbees for our nighttime 4loko frisbee golf outings.

also, on a sad side note. a friend of mine from my regular bar took his own life on wednesday. he was a great guy and had a lot of close friends. they all came out in support of each other and the outpouring of emotion was humbling.

you will be missed, greg. i hope you are at peace.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

the roommate dinner, the wiler, and the ja-jang-myeon

probably one of the best all around meals i've had for roommate dinner.

started with ja-jang-myeon. its a korean black bean paste noodle dish, that was appropriated from the chinese. and ended with maybe the best cheesecake i've ever had in my life. take a look.

the noodles were prefect. the sauce was heavy and flavorful. delicious.

and yes, again, i don't have a pic of the actual noodle dish. this time it was the camera and not forgetfulness. but it looked like this:

homemade cheesecake, perfect crust, and the 3-berry sauce was AMAZING.
ugh. this was almost TOO delicious. almost.

chicken and dumplings for a cold night

just trying to stay warm on the inside and outside. the house loaded up on groceries before the storm hit, and chicken and dumplings was definitely on the list. little different this time around. instead of carrots and peas, we went with green beans, broccoli, and cauliflower. i actually like this combination a bit better.

and i actually managed to get pics of this one:

came out super thick and hearty, dumplings were doughy, awesomeness achieved

and as always, i made some crispy chicken skin chips for an appetizer. perfecto!

up next:
the wiler's tuesday night roommate dinner: a korean dish, ripped off from a chinese dish.

stayed tuned!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

the high, the cold, and the dali

NSFW painting at the end (but it's art, so it's cool)

this past weekend was the last for the dali exhibit at the high museum. so they opened it up through the night on saturday night. luckily we went at 6pm to get tickets for midnight. that way, when we came back at midnight, we could skip the line and head right on in.

our line at 6pm was about a half hour wait.
when we got back at midnight, the line was at least 3 times as long.
when we got out of the exhibit at 1am, the line had to be 2-3 hours. and it was cooooooold.

also when we were standing in there were these two performers out entertaining:

lady on stilts with creepy short legs, riding a flamingo

weird ghost dog and its owner/shepard

the exhibit was amazing. i only really knew dali's persistence of memory. now i love his don quixote series, and this technique where he used candle smoke to create a painting. here are two pieces that i absolutely loved:

from the don quixote series: attack on the windmills


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

blood on the ice...lots has happened

let me s'plain
no there is too much
let me sum up

not sure if you heard, georgia got some snow and ice.
for me, the past 2 days has consisted of:

pics of the eating will be posted at a later time. the vegging is self explanatory, so is the sleeping (with the help of a heated mattress pad).

the snowy shenanigans adventure.

me and cvd went to trivia thursday night, confident in the fact that we would miss the snow (supposed to start around 11pm, we left at 8). it started coming down as we left home. after about an hour, there was about 2-3 inches on the roads already. we checked out of trivia at halftime, and headed home. cause it started looking BAD on the roads. and we all know georgia drivers may be the worst on the planet (aside from middle aged asian women).

throughout the night, 4-5 inches of snow fell, then the sleet. about a good .25 - .5 inches of good ole fashioned ice. so what we were greeted with the next day was a thick layer of ice, on top of fluffy snow. great for some sledding.

so, armed with cookie-sheet trays, me, cvd, woots, and the wiler all headed out across the street to the park. the hill we decided to try our luck on was a short but steep hill, the only downside was that it ended into a side of a building.

when we arrived, there were already some folks there, having a good ole time. cvd wanted to start out the sledding. clutching the cookie sheet close to his chest, he reared back and took a diving leap forward. landing hard, sliding approximately 2.5 feet, before he came off the tray, and face planted.

we all have a good laugh. cvd splayed out on the ground, lying face-down in the snow....then


apparently, cvd had cut open his face on the ice when he slid into it. and as we all know, the head bleeds incredibly well. there was a giant pool of blood where his head was, and he literally left a bright gleaming trail of crimson wherever he went. cvd, using his combat veteran training, field dressed the wound and got back into the fight. we eventually got down the hill without one of us losing 2 quarts of blood.

unfortunately, none of this was captured on digital media. but it looked something like this:

cvd confident in his sledding abilities

cvd sledding (actual photo)


oooooohhh. that's gonna leave a mark (also fairly accurate amonut of blood coming down cvd's face)

what he looked like after he dressed his wounds

more snowy adventures to come...stay tuned.

Monday, January 10, 2011

mmmm warm

according to all the facebook posts, i think georgia got some snow. went outside to take it all in, then made myself some good ole fashioned korean-american breakfast:

spicy ramen with rice cake and poached egg
kimchee and biscuit with gravy on the side
coke zero to wash it all down

Sunday, January 09, 2011

as promised pics of me and cvd civil war reenactment...

by planting our christmas tree in the backyard.

being overseen by massa

i did such a good job, i only got hit once!

Friday, January 07, 2011

amazing and haunting....

it's not often you get to read someone's suicide note. and it be very well articulated. it's a long read, but most definitely worth it. comments at the end.

Bill Zeller
"I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.

I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.

I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.

Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.

So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.

I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.

There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.

I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.


I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.

Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.


To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller


Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety."

so incredibly eye opening. the pain he suffered through is astonishing, and you glimpse the abyss he had walked along for so long. while his darkness is different in so many ways, i do believe that we all carry something like it. and to recognize that is important. we all choose how to deal with the suffering of life, but it's easy to see how very little human contact he had and interpersonal relationships. amazing insight from a tortured soul.

don't you die on me greg jones....

click for hospitalization

you know how i know he's a legend, not just in country music, but music in general? cause i've heard of the dude.

seriously though, the man's got soul. you can hear the heart, pain, and passion in all his songs.

also, he made this song (his best)...

his second best...

and i know i messed up his first name in the title, it's a running joke.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

yeah yeah, i'm getting more political, but in an endearing way!

article about the prison issue in georgia, from the ajc...

click this to be stupified

[start hulk-smash anger]

seriously, how is it that TEXAS is doing better with their inmate population than georgia? i know all you whites hate minorities, but this is just getting silly.

this quote shows the ridiculousness:
"One in 13 Georgians is behind bars, on probation or on parole, according to the Pew Center on the States. That’s the highest rate of correctional control in the nation and more than the double the national average: 1 in 31."

and here's someone with an idea:
“We have proven that we can be tough on crime and that we can spend $1.2 billion a year doing it,” said Brian Owens, the silver-haired former parole officer who now runs Georgia’s prison system. “But I think it might be time to transition to being smart on crime.”

wow, brian, ya think so?! MAYBE we shoulda STARTED OUT being smart on crime?! but this is joja, and we do things backwards down in these parts, boy.

also, read the article, not just these quotes, and educate yourself.

then if you're not a little outraged, you're probably late for the next NASCAR race and your hot pocket just finished microwaving.

[righteous indignation over]

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

150 yr anniversary of the war of northern aggression

brother vs brother

reminded recently by my aryan brother, cvd, this year marks the 150 year anniversary of the civil war. and to commemorate this occasion, we have elected to have our own re-enactment. since we have yet to plant our christmas tree, i will be force to move, dig, and plant the tree, while he rocks on the porch, sipping sweet tea, and yelling "betta go fasta, boy"

amazing footage of the first shot on fort sumpter.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

i'm on a poster! and being held down by "the man"

i won the last chili cookoff by a landslide, and some people got their poor little feelings hurt that i won with a creative and non-traditional chili. they complained. the owner listened. and new rules were implemented. basically they rigged the rules so that i can't make the same chili again. cowards. it aint my fault yalls southern chili sucks ass. you know what they should do, stop whining and make a better chili. but alas this is the south, and we can't have a foreigner win a chili contest.

you've already seen my chili creation for this year in an earlier post. most likely it would be disqualified for being too creative, too delicious, and too awesome.

should i play by the rules that "the man" says?
do i buck the rules, and make a kick ass non-traditional chili?

we shall see.
we. shall. see.

movie review for the layman, by the layman.

Easy A: 3.5/5

admittedly, i do not like emma stone. mainly bc she reminds me of someone who i dislike...very strongly. but as an actress, it's hard to deny her appeal. from superbad to zombieland, and now to easy a. she's got it going on. though i hold zombieland close to my heart, she could let her acting chops shine a little more in this movie. funny and sentimental and well acted all around. it's a modern day take on 'the scarlet letter' and nails it. with stanley tucci (who is probably one of my favorite actors of all time) and thomas hayden church turning in awesome performances, emma stone is really just the heaping glob of publix icing on top.

go netflix/download/stream this.

Monday, January 03, 2011

happy belated new year!

didn't do too much on new year's eve.
watched a horrible horrible liberty bowl.
lots of yelling and tearing of clothes.
went to my regular bar around 10pm for a free buffet:
cajun fried turkey (which surprisingly kinda sucked)
blacked eyed peas (for good luck, southern-style)
and corn bread

then had some drinks and champagne at midnight, and turned it in early.

the next day me and the wiler went to my family's new years day celebration, which is basically a money-grab for us young ones. we pay respect to all of our elders, they wish us good tidings for the new year, and give out some cash. then we sit down for lunch, then play "yut". it's a korean game that's traditionally played on new years. i set up a bracket, and we had a little tournament. i got knocked out early, and some white dude ended up taking the title away from grandma.

rolling bones, korean-style

hope yall's new year was just as good.

i'm no teacher, but this sounds like a horrible idea...

click this to see how to make dumb students and ineffective teachers

Georgia to evaluate teachers based on students' test scores.
This will either:
a) cause tests to be easier
b) make the classes based around a test
c) this is the correct answer, just pick this one so I can get paid and you can get an A

bardem wouldn't be terrible

dark tower casting rumors

but i'd still like mortensen to be the lead.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

sorry i've been gone for a while...lots of posts coming!

been busy with all the awesome parties i've been going to.
just kidding, i'm just incredibly lazy, and didn't want to post.
but i've got a bunch coming. so get ready!

i think i'll go chronologically, so here's what happened first:

tuesday night roommate/family dinner.
cvd was up and it was heavenly: brinner (breakfast/dinner)
thick cut bacon
over-easy eggs, cooked
fluffy pancakes

check it out:

and since we were eating a breakfast meal, we needed a breakfast drink
so i made some killer bloody marys:
b.mary mix
texas pete
and some celery to garnish

get jealous of my skillz: